A Clinical Assessment of Your Wardrobe
Look, we're not doctors. But we've seen enough closets full of plain black tees and free company swag to know when someone needs an intervention. This is that intervention.
Sign #1: You've Described Yourself as "Fine" More Than Three Times Today
And you meant it zero of those times. You're not fine. You're at work, pretending to care about Q3 deliverables while your soul slowly exits your body through your left ear.
Prescription: A shirt that says what you actually mean, in a font so small people have to invade your personal space to read it.
Sign #2: LinkedIn Made Your Blood Pressure Rise This Week
"Thrilled to announce..." "Humbled to share..." If LinkedIn makes you want to throw your laptop into the ocean, you need a shirt that says "CEO of Nothing."
Sign #3: Your Screen Time Report Made You Uncomfortable
Seven hours and forty-three minutes. Your phone sends you a weekly report like a disappointed parent who's given up on grounding you.
Prescription: A "TOUCH GRASS: A Documentary" tee. Wear it outside. You'll have to go outside to wear it. Therapists call this "behavioral activation."
Sign #4: You've Attended a Meeting That Could Have Been an Email
Forty-five minutes watching someone say "can everyone see my screen?" three times.
Prescription: "This meeting could have been a shirt." It's philosophy. On cotton.
Sign #5: You Bought Something Because the Algorithm Showed It to You
The algorithm knows you better than you know yourself. It showed you a shirt. You're reading this. The prophecy fulfills itself.
Your Results
0-1 signs: You're doing great. Check back in a week.
2-3 signs: You need at least one ironic tee. It's medicinal.
4-5 signs: You need the full collection. This isn't retail therapy — it's regular therapy that happens to involve a shopping cart.
All shirts $28. All hoodies $48. All feelings optional but encouraged.